WARM ENOUGH FOR YA?

Well, we are at the roasting stage... it is above 75 when I get up in the morning, usually before 6, so I can go out and water things before I pass out from a heat stroke. This morning, breathing outside is kind of like trying to breathe underwater. I am sure the humidity is about 300%, maybe more! The temps are supposed to be in the 90s for several more days... heat index in the triple digits. Sigh. The ground is dry, a hard thing to believe after months of walking on spongy earth, on ground so wet it sucked your boots off if you stepped in the wrong place. So, I thought I would reminisce a little, and share some coolness with you.Remember when the snow was so deep I had to shovel a place for Punkin to go potty?

Snow Buddhas... I could take a snow blanket for a few minutes. Maybe. Feel better now?

SIX AGAIN

To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster RollerCoaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear,what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dufuss!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
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Funny, but when I got this in an email a little while ago, I thought of one or two specific fellow bloggers... I bet they will recognize themselves here, too!

GETTING THRU CUSTOMS

Getting a hairdryer through customs...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the PriestBeside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?''
"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
''Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic Hair dryer for myMother's birthday that is unopened and well over The Customs limits, andI'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way You could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I Will not lie."
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have Nothing to declare.
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do youhave to declare from your waist to the floor?"
''I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES

'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
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One four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Taylor, 5, and Brian, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Taylor turned to his younger brother and said, ' Brian, you be Jesus !'
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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'
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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

FROM THE CHURCH BULLETIN

From actual church bulletins..........

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
Today...Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The `eighth graders' will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

A TRULY CLEAN JOKE

In the men's room at work, the Boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it - "Think"

The next day when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "thoap."

BEAR WITH ME.........

Well, we are back on the Eastern Shore... I will spare you all the gruesome details until later... but for now, I want to thank so many of you for sharing your Bear jokes with me. We did not see any bears at all this year, nary a one. Not even any bear poop up on my favorite rock on the mountain up behind the house, so I actually got to have a nice sit-down up there and watched the morning fog roll up off the river. Anyway, I simply must pass this joke along. For some reason it truly made me LOL!!! I was almost ROTFLMAO, but it would have been too hard to get back up. Anyway (2) I will share it with you.

>Three Holy Men and a Bear.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Hope I have not offended anyone - or any bears here.