Tuesday, February 21, 2012

THANKS, I NEEDED THAT

THIS HAS BEEN one of those days... on top of several other days. Been too busy for my body to be happy, and this morning started out cold and out doors, down at the Train Station talking to a mason about a little more work... then discussing what we are going to do inside... you can keep up with the goings on at the station on the SPOTS blog. Anyway, I got home, cold, tired from working in the woods the past 3 days, and had to deal with 6 phone calls... more work... more scheduling. Tell me again, why do they call this retirement? oh, right... I was tired of working, and now I am re-tired all over again. duh.

Anyway, I finally got to checking my non-urgent emails... and my dear neighbor sent me a laugh or two. Thought I would share them with you! (with apologies to blondes, rednecks and idiots...)

Different Ways Of Looking At Things

Two guys were discussing popular family trends in sex, marriage, and family values. Bill said, “I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Larry replied, “I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?”

A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did my intelligence come from?” The father replied. “Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.”

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, “I don't like the looks of your wife at all.” “Me neither, doc,” said the husband. “But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.”

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?” The agent replies, “Just a minute.” “Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective replied. “A golf gun! What is a golf gun?” “I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”

Moe: “My wife got me to believe in religion.”
Joe: “Really?”
Moe: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.”

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. “I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say,” asked the nurse. “Oops!”

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. “What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?” “Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You'd never get it all in one.” He's still in intensive care.

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance... The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she's there.”

5 comments:

spaceflighter said...

Glad you didn't mention the OTHER email from your "dear neighbor" -- about the bake sale! :-)

ancient one said...

Yeah, these were funny... Get some rest!!

Sissy said...

Well, you got a perky present. Me too. Thanks. I liked best the blonde's response.

Beatrice P. Boyd said...

Thanks for the morning smiles, Possum. By the way, the "new" word verification that commenters have to do to post a comment is really frustrating as I had to re-enter the words a couple of times cause they ain't so easy to decipher early in the a.m. And I never realized what commenters on our blog had to endure and so glad I took off the verification process.

Ginnie said...

Ha, Ha ... but I lke the one you emailed me even better. (The man telling Budda "I want happiness"!) etc.